What feeds me?

I don't know why I still feel disappointed when this happens... you'd think I'm used to it by now.

"Why don't you come back to Malaysia and go into business?" she asked. "You can earn a lot of money and then if you want to migrate you can do so as an investor."

As I said, I don't know why it should bother me at all anymore.

I guess part of me still holds on to the idealistic belief that people who've lived longer than me on earth, and in the faith we share, would be even more eager than I am to know God's specific, detailed plan for each person's life... instead of dispensing more of the same tried, tested, tired formulas for getting ahead.

I am beginning to wonder if I'm the only one who believes that God's favour is the one and only indicator of direction to follow. I am not trying to sound proud or "holy"... if you know me well enough, you will know that. As it is, my life is a daily struggle of balance, of combining the "don't knows" of head knowledge with the "go anyway" of faith.

I'm tired... have been baking almost non-stop for nine hours now. Someday let me look back on this moment and laugh... right now all I want is a hot shower and for everything to stop aching.

But hey, I just realised that's nearly nine hours straight of worship music. Without it I don't think I'd have lasted this long.

The title? Jesus said, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me."

I want to say the same, but at the moment I don't know exactly what my diet should be in this case.